You're working at a hedge fund? bro that's awesome. you were always pretty unoriginal and I had a feeling you would do money for a living. Can you maybe keep your accomplishments to yourself before it scares everyone else at this party? Some of us are on a lot of drugs right now and frankly it's rude to talk about you meeting developmental milestones and having "love" in your life. Thanks. (@cabbagecatmemes)
hey… "xavier"… Have I told you that you are.. Hands down… my new favorite person? oh, YOU say I just told you that thirty seconds ago but I think (burp) I will be, the official judge of time in this car, Chavier. Because… I studied time in, college.. Chaviery,,, whats the craziest thing you've seen as a sled driver in this city. hahahaha oh shit I just said "sled driver??!" ahahaha Javier that's INSANE… It's, primarily, the reason for that, is earlier the other day there was a movie about sled wolfs and I guess it's down there .. In, my subconscious. Melvin? I don't kno– sorry, Xaviery? I don't know if I have my keys to my, place. So this is gonna be, rather amusing my friend, when I have to kick the door down to get In. But in the big picture I'm just so happy that.. Chavier saved me from that party tonight. Chavier, you are coming to my family's thanksgiving. Yeah you are. You wait and see, Carlos when That invitation comes to Your Lincoln navigator, which I would like to tell your boss that you also Keep very clean and looking (burp) majestic. You're gonna be there at thanksgiving with me as, my parents- way of thanking you for saving Me. . It's how science works. What're you gonna wear ? (@cabbagecatmemes)
Really, bro? You got a picture of yourself standing next to a minor celebrity who looks uncomfortable and under duress? Got bottle service at the club and felt like sharing the receipt with the world? New sneakers? Congratulations. You just used the most horrible, obnoxious humblebrag and now I'm legally allowed to drown you.
damn, babe. we was texting back and forth all day. then my day then was real brightened when that pic of u came through. there u were. my girl. skimpy outfit. iPhone pointed at that mirror in yo bedroom. u lookin mad cute. mad good. i ain't see no teeth but that's cool cus ur lips was pursed in a seductive lil knowing smile. it was like yo face was saying "Yeah we did all kinds of sinful-ass things together last weekend but I ain't repenting and only my man kno jus how freaky I am & far as the rest the world concerned, I'm a actual angel. a angel that wear lingerie, for this picture.' I be smilin so hArd. then I check the instagram… YO! how someone got into my phone and put my phone on the Instagram?? and who this nigga 'giantspro138' writing that my girl "gorgeous." hold up… Oh fuck no. you done uploaded my picture to the Instagram ? why, girl ? I don't love u enough ? who u tryna share that smile with? damn… guess everyone gonna see I got good taste that's cool. and I ain't callin I a cheat or a thirsty, but dam. guess the freaky things that we do, r strictly between me and u & the tens of thousands of strange people that see our social medias.. not mad… just feelin like, 20% less special rite now
Yes, I'll have a Venti borderline child abuse with two shots of Okay This is Kind of Adorbs but Definitely Mentioning This in Therapy. Why white people need closer monitoring, Exhibit # 82,868B "Train up a basic in the way she should go, and when she is old she shall not depart from it." -Kors 4:13 (@periodictabledancer)
I would give this place zero stars if I could, but I'm legally required to give them one star. I don't normally use the computer. But after "dining" at this hellish Turkish prison disguised as an alleged "restaurant," I enrolled in a continuing education course at my town's library to learn about the Internet so I could warn others to avoid this place that destroyed my family. We made a reservation for two. When we arrived, there was a dust on the floor. When I pointed this out to the "manager," he told me that there are tens of billions of dust particles in the air at any given moment and that they may actually be composed of my own skin and rudely suggested that I would enjoy my dining experience more if I didn't bring my electron microscope to the table. Nice try! When the water arrived, my teeth were rudely awakened by the most obnoxiously cold ice cubes I have ever been assaulted with. I now take medication to deal with the stress of eating here once. If I save just one life by writing this, my sacrifice may just be worth it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to read Fifty Shades of Grey to my cats. (via @robfee11 )
AND THIS WHY I TELL THESE FEMALES JUS CAUSE A MAN SPIT GAME N GOT HISSELF A POET'S TYPIN SKILLS ON A ACTUAL INSTAGRAM CAPTION DOES NOT, I REPEAT DOES NOT MEAN HE NECESSARILY WORTH SHIT. HOW MANY TIMES U GO TO BRAZIL CUZ OF A SMOOTH ASS COMMENT N HE NOWHERE 2 BE FOUND? THATS NOT A VIABLE WAY TO PLAN A ACTUAL FUTURE. PEOPLE USE THE WORD "THIRSTY" TOO MUCH THESE DAYS BUT ANY REAL FEMALE WILL TELL U THAT EFFORT IS ATTRACTIVE– THE SIMPLE THINGS; PULL OUT CHAIRS, TEXT HER FAMILY, DONT MAKE HER PAY AT THE OLIVE GARDEN, DONT BE A ACTUAL GRIZZLY BEAR WHO USES PEOPLE 4 SALMON AND HUCKLEBERRIES. MAKE YO ALLEGED MAN PROVE HIS SELF BEFORE U GIVE IT ALL AWAY N FIND YOSELF LONELY LIKE A WHITE GIRL TRYNA FIND THE WINE DEPARTMENT (@carolynduchene )
shoutout to those girls you've been following on Instagram for 3 years. U seen plenty of thirst-trap mirror selfies with lots of creepy comments under them from dudes hopin' they had a chance. Every now and then– something slightly unexplained like maybe a picture of a gift like a shiny pair of Loubs with no caption or explanation of where them shoes came from. Or maybe once every 3 months you seen her standing on a balcony of a nice Caribbean hotel and she smiling and it's like 'who took this picture?' but you shrug it off and say it was probly her moms. she close with her moms and they probably travel together. most of her feed be typical girl stuff. out drinking w/ friends. out at EDM festivals with the flower headdress and the boobs out and she lookin like a free spirit and prob on molly and u lurkin her page for years and the one day BAM! "so this just happened can't wait to spend the rest of my life work my perfect man." Hold up hold up hold up pump the goddamn breaks. You got 3,800 photos and not a single one of them feature a actual man. not once. not one actual man. now you just drop this marriage bomb on the world? girl, what in the fuck else is you capable of hiding? u straight up pulled some talented mr ripley shit on the whole world. enjoy your wedding, murderer.
On the Internet, all the cool kids are like "sorry I missed your call, I don't use my phone for that " or "calling someone is the rudest thing you can do." Nah son. Nah. You know what's rude? Roping me in to a half-day long 'conversation' where I have to stare at my radioactive phone and type shit while I ignore the people I'm next to and decipher your abbreviations and emojis to get to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: that it would be better to meet up next week for dinner instead of tonight. Most of you are safe, but if you're my girlfriend or one of the 3 people I care about– I might actually call your ass. Wrap yo mind around that. You and me. Voice to voice, motherfucker. Just like they did in caveman days. Paleo communication. Namaste.
greet the dawn get back in touch with a whole bunch of random people. Nervously alphabetize everything in your kitchen. Clean the floor like it's never been cleaned before. Forget what food is for 10 hours. Feel a strange sense of accomplishment even though you spent the day focusing even harder on your distractions